I’m starting to think the Advent calendar filled with donuts was a mistake.
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“This will make my dad feel horrible.” - Harry Chapin after writing “Cats in the Cradle”
If only the goal in life were to acquire the most obsolete iphone accessories.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Reykjavik show NOW on sale. Tickets also available for London & Dublin. Amsterdam soon.
Over the past 6 hours two of my children have thrown up on or near me. Trying to not take it personally.
.@Jon_Gnarr Just curious, do I need to bring a robe, or can I share yours? Let me know buddy. Thanks.
.@jon_gnarr I’m hoping you can fix me a traditional Icelandic breakfast. Maybe some Hakar? Up to you. After all, your house your rules.
Hey @Jon_Gnarr we both have 5 kids & are really good looking pale comedians. Can I stay on your couch when I’m in Reykjavik for my show?
Good News: I was just cast as the Wonder Bread Woman. #thankyou #ImHereAllInternet
Looks like I didn’t get cast in the role of Wonder Woman. ☹
I wish I had the energy to have a nervous breakdown.
Amsterdam show just added. Reykjavik on sale 12/6. London & Dublin shows available for purchase. All tour dates here
If you love Law & Order, can read and have @netflix watch “Spiral”! You can thank me later. #Engrenages
“Let’s make it more icky.” - Director of Pajamagram commercial.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Get a free #DadIsFat ornament that looks like a bookplate that looks like a “Hello my name is” sticker.
Had so much fun doing @WITS w/ @JohnMoe @Busdriverr @Mike_Eagle @Munsonsongs have a listen here
Don’t forget to watch @cnnheroes tonight at 8pm @cnn. I was so honored to be around these amazing humans & mention @piersmorgan’s drinking
Happy Orange Internet Sunday! Give tickets to see me live. Complete tour dates London, Dublin
Honey dew melons are the throw pillows of the fruit plate.
I think the most effective way to spread the flu to friends is at hookah bar.
"That was a good idea." said nobody after an all you can eat buffet.
I’m thankful we only have to be thankful one day a year.
The all you can eat buffet is the local specialty food of Las Vegas.
Heading to Vegas for a traditional Thanksgiving with family. Shows @themirageLV #Puritans #glitter #bottleservice #TableDance #tassles
Getting my 5 kids to the airport always feels like I’m recreating the first 10 minutes of “Home Alone.”
I’m not completely obsessing but where should I eat a Scottish egg and/or cheese before my London show in April?
Milwaukee, new show added NOW on sale. @PabstTheater Sat 12/28. Complete tour dates here.
Spending money is a skill too, right?
How do I change the ring on my phone to an onion ring?
I don’t know who writes the scripts for these @nfl games but they are good!
Since when are we NOT supposed to eat like Cookie Monster?
I’m dedicating both of my shows tonight in STL to you! See other shows I’ll dedicate to you. http://www.jimgaffigan.com/tour-dates
"Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
"How about a jelly made from pickles?" - inventor of relish / genius
Hey @OklahomaJoesBBQ can you send over free BBQ to feed 4,600 people @themidland? Oh, you should also bring some for the audience too. #zman
I love how every single person in the world thinks I’m hyperbolic!
Complimentary Wifi never feels free or flattering.
London and Dublin shows go NOW on sale. Reykjavik Dec 5th. Pale Guy in Pale Countries Tour.
At this point I just behave like I’ve said something stupid to every person I meet.
LONDON – If you are a member of Live Nation, presale tkts now avail. London & Dublin shows official on sale Friday 9am.
Instead of ordering a Guinness I’m just gonna say, “I’d like to wait an hour for my beer.”