Like most fathers, I’m like the Cato Kaelin of parenting. #GuestHouseWhileShesWithTheKids
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Most mornings I feel like @AnnaKendrick47 in that “Cups” video except I’m not coordinated and I can’t sing.
Besides the arguments with my wife , I’m undefeated at home.
Traveling with five little kids is like traveling with five little kids.
If you enjoyed “Dad Is Fat”, please consider preordering my new book “FOOD: A Love Story” from your favorite bookstore.
CALIFORNIA - six shows coming up. Agua Caliente Casino NOW on sale
LONG BEACH – my 12/4 show at Terrace Theater is now on sale. Hope to see you there. @goldenvoice
When is there going to be a male Miss America? Maybe an out of shape, balding, pale one?
TEXAS - just to clarify. I’m NOT doing oddball shows this weekend. I’m in Dallas (10/22) and Austin (10/23)
There should be an iPhone alarm noise of screaming children for homesick parents.
I’m still thinner than Santa.
CALIFORNIA– Shows in Long Beach, Palm Springs, Pala (2nd) just added.
.@deBlasioNYC How about a @CitiBikeNYC program but instead of bikes you get everything bagels?
BREAKING: Paula Cole finally finds where all the cowboys had gone. It was Applebee’s. #NotCurrent #NotFunny
I just landed at JFK from LAX. How many NFL greats were revealed to be monsters while I was in the air?
Congrats to the new Ms. America. I hope she will be a kind ruler.
When are those people writing spam going to at least make it interesting?
Shows in SLC, CHI, DAL, AUS, ATL (show added) BOS, LI & more
BREAKING: Scientist discover North American city that does not have a Comic-Con.
Sydney, Australia - I’m doing 3 shows at the Opera House in October
I’m the only one on the internet that really cares about you.
I’m pretty sure I won Fashion Week.
Most people at fashion parties seem like characters from a John Hughes film.
Not getting French fries with a burger should count as eating a salad, right?
You look good. Have you lost weight?
"How was your summer?" is the "Happy Holidays" of September. #insincerity
The fact that it is considered cool to wear dark socks with athletic shoes & shorts proves we are months away from the Nerd Apocalypse.
BREAKING: Scientist discover those ugly running shoes with toes that look like human feet are the cause of Ebola.
My 8 year old son to a friend at school drop off this morning -“My Dad looks horrible without a beard!”
I have roughly an hour to finish everything I need done for the next 5 months. @NFL #NFLsunday
Little kids may wake up too early but at least my five-year-old daughter calls the airport the airplane store.
I wonder if there are any good looking people on that show “Pretty Little Liars.”
I can’t wait till Apple introduces an iPhone with a real battery.
Me dropping my 10 yr off at her first day of school.Me: Have fun.Her: Bye. Where are you going?Me: Back to sleep.
My 2 year old son is singing that “I’m so fancy” song. Anyone want him?
Interesting Fact: When you break your leg in Wisconsin they give you a cast made of cheese.
Palm Springs show added + SLC, CHI, ATL, VANCOUVER, DALLAS, AUSTIN, BOS, ORL, WINNiPEG, PALA, SYDNEY (AUS)
I’m not the first person to be evacuated by stretcher via helicopter from Wisconsin in a cheese coma, right?