Can someone go in the other room and get my phone charger? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!!
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When are you supposed to stop eating bratwurst? Just kidding. I know the answer is death.
.@jeanniegaffigan refuses to rub my feet. Some Labor Day!
Interesting Fact: Every time someone in the Midwest swims in a lake Kid Rock makes a $1.
The only difference between riding a tandem bike with your 8 yr old and dragging a dead body is nothing.
How come everyone keeps getting older but I keep getting younger?
OBSESSED is re-airing on @comedycentral right now. Or get it on itunes.
Is it too much to want the GPS lady voice to say ‘please’?
It is a rule that all vacation destinations have horrible wireless, right?
Chi, Dal, Aus, ATL, Bos & LI - $75 tickets include a personalized copy of FOOD A LOVE STORY.
ATLANTA! 2nd show on sale now! $75 tkts include copy of FOOD: A LOVE STORY. Personalized after show.
Just a heads up that OBSESSED will be on @comedycentral Saturday 8/30 at 6:15PM E /3:15PM P. Or u can download for $5 at
Shout out to @jeanniegaffigan for the amazing tackle slide on our 8 year old son!
Atlanta- due to demand a late show will be added on Oct 24. On sale next week.
“My spirit animal is an 8 year old boy.” – a Jack Russell Terrier
.@JillianMichaels How fast can you to get to the standing position from sitting on the ground? I can do it in 5 minutes with a little help.
@JillianMichaels How fast can you to get to the standing position from sitting on the ground? I can do it in 5 minutes with a little help.
Tired of the fitness Bootcamp craze? Sign up for my low intensive Slippercamp! #noYelling #noMoving #Shuffle
In protest I’m going to continue to not go to Burger King.
A great article about being a dad from the great @ronfornier
The story behind FOOD: A LOVE STORY (VIDEDO)
If I don’t win that Brazilian Butt Competition next year I’m going to sue the world!
How many times should a two year old be allowed to head butt you before you give them a red card?
Sydney, a book event has been added for day before my @SydOperaHouse shows. Info here
So what are you making me for dinner?
I’m so Midwestern I consider French onion dip a childhood friend.
.@DrOz How many years in between exercising is healthy?
Milwaukee – 3rd and final @PABSTTHEATER show NOW on sale. Password FOOD
I need a new fitness model agent. Any suggestions?
I did this for you!
Does anyone trust those reverse mortgage commercials?
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BECOME A GREAT, GREAT grandpa! I mean, not for a long time but when my kids have kids & their kids have kids.
I hope you guys are enjoying that new song I wrote for Taylor Swift. It was about you.
Is it just me or does it seem like Betamax is becoming less popular?
How long is it going to take those damn nerds to invent a bed with a microwave in it? Jeez!
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – first time coming! Can’t wait to taste kangaroo. Tickets giong fast.
Watch “The Nobodies” by @dusty_brown_ and @gregbratman featuring the great @sfosternyc, @mrtonyhale & more
Sometimes I regret inventing guacamole.