.@DrOz How many years in between exercising is healthy?
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Milwaukee – 3rd and final @PABSTTHEATER show NOW on sale. Password FOOD
I need a new fitness model agent. Any suggestions?
I did this for you!
Does anyone trust those reverse mortgage commercials?
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BECOME A GREAT, GREAT grandpa! I mean, not for a long time but when my kids have kids & their kids have kids.
I hope you guys are enjoying that new song I wrote for Taylor Swift. It was about you.
Is it just me or does it seem like Betamax is becoming less popular?
How long is it going to take those damn nerds to invent a bed with a microwave in it? Jeez!
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – first time coming! Can’t wait to taste kangaroo. Tickets giong fast.
Watch “The Nobodies” by @dusty_brown_ and @gregbratman featuring the great @sfosternyc, @mrtonyhale & more
Sometimes I regret inventing guacamole.
Thanks to everyone who preordered FOOD: A LOVE STORY. Do something creative / crazy with magnet and I’ll RT
BREAKING: Blue Cheese wins lawsuit vs Ranch. Ranch forced to sell Hidden Valley to cover legalfees. #AntiCoolRanch #Tweet #Hashtag #Internet
INTERESTING FACT: If you put Hidden Valley Ranch into your GPS, it takes to Loserville. #AntiCoolRanch #Tweet #Hashtag #Internet
Whoever decided Ranch was Cool was definitely not cool. #CoolRanch #AntiCoolRanch #Tweet #Hashtag #Internet
What do you call a nerd after high school? Oh, that’s right boss.
Winnipeg – Thx!! – 2nd show added and NOW on sale. ALL TOUR DATES HERE
WINNIPEG – tickets now available for purchase. Shows also in Vancouver, Dallas, Austin, Long Island & more
You know how pug dogs always look like they are smiling? I find that annoying.
I’m not tired but I did just try to reheat my coffee by putting it in the refrigerator.
.@NFL and @walkingDead_AMC please hurry back. I’m tired of reality.
Is it me or are things on this planet just getting worse by the minute?
MILWAUKEE – Special pre sale for my @PabstTheater shows. Password – Food. All tour dates here
WINNIPEG – Special pre sale password BACON. I LOVE YOU.
It’s kind of adorable how we all act like yogurt is not kind of gross.
Is it possible to list beer as an emergency contact?
When is someone going to declare war on the culture war?
WINNIPEG - I’ll be performing in your fine city. On sale Weds 10am password BACON
I didn’t know I could be so sad, angry, stunned and grateful at the same time. RIP Robin Williams. If you are in pain please seek help.
No, just no! @robinwilliams NO! Such a sweet man. RIP
I like to think “Orange is the New Black” is just a live action version of “My Little Pony.”
How did they know the shark’s name was Jaws? #topicaljokes #movies
Interesting Fact: Dulles Airport was designed by Joseph Stalin.
Free tickets to BOTH my Grand Prairie or Austin shows to whoever buys me the Waggoner Ranch. PLEEEEEESE. It’s only $725 million.
BREAKING NEWS: Almond Milk is now $738 a carton! #OMG! #Almond #Milk #Tweet
. @WolfTrap tomorrow Saturday Aug 9 then @BorgataAC & @IndyStateFair next Sat/Sun.