I’m still not upset about John Travolta mispronouncing someone’s name at that awards show for pretending.
View more on WhoSay »
The last thing I’d want to do in my “salad days” is eat a salad.
Whatever you did to please the weather gods and make it 59 degrees in NYC please keep doing it.
"How about a candy bar that tastes like drywall?" - Pitch for protein bar.
When is binge watching shows on @Netfix going to be considered an Olympic sport?
Which is a worse name Ruth’s Chris or Fifth-Third?
It’s impossible to not sound excited when you say SPAGHETTI!
On my way Rapidos de Grandes!
Shooting promos for my new Comedy Central special “Obsessed.” See preview at http://www.whosay.com/l/TRH7Wvb
Just ordered a Cobb salad from room service cause I’m being good. Kind of. Well, it has “salad” in the name!
"Maybe if we do nothing about the traffic problem it will go away?" - Los Angeles
You think the first person to go on a stakeout was disappointed?“Been sitting in this car all night and still no steak.”
Check out a sneak peek at OBSESSED, my new special/album, here
Cue Crimea crime puns. Go
RT @JimGaffigan @birbigs @nickkroll My album’s out. a self-release! honored if u’d be so inclined to share. hoyasaxa https://t.co/LIIa8U3WoG
I’m like the Evel Kneivel of late night eating. #humblebrag
NOW you can buy and gift “BEYOND THE PALE” from my website for only $5. I love you!
I can’t believe it’s a beautiful sunny 75 degrees here in Orlando! I should really…I’m going to nap.
I’m undefeated at calling @jeanniegaffigan at the wrong time.
Don’t you feel like Joseph A. Banks is about to say, “Okay, fine you can have the suits for free?”
Tech billionaire sounds like a good job.
It’s impressive how Putin never breaks character.
OMG you should totally preorder my new comedy album OBSESSED. All new material.
I’m starting to think Al Qaeda might be behind the brutality of this winter.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the chee—oh, I see why. Nevermind.
Those people not on social media look so silly making no effort to gain the approval of strangers over the Internet.
If “12 Years a Slave” doesn’t win every Academy Award (including Best Documentary & Best Animated Short) then I’m moving. To another room.
How long is everyone going to act like Swiss cheese doesn’t taste like a pencil eraser?
It’s going to be hard complaining about the heat this summer. Just kidding. It will be easy.
“Just leave the pits in the olives. Let people look like cavemen.” – Inventor of Greek Salad
So is Surfer Dude or Ed TV the prequel to True Detective?
Ottawa and Toronto shows now available. Complete tour dates here.
For the last time that is not me on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. That is @chrissyteigen
So the Daft Punk guys are bobsledders. #sochi
If they put athletes on boxes of corn flakes shouldn’t I be on a box of @DunkinDonuts?
"Get me more boring snow news!" - Every News Executive
I want to go back to the time when I didn’t have to exert all this energy remembering passwords.
Being on a slow computer feels like mowing a yard with a goat.
Before subway stops how did NYC residents determine which Duane Reade to go to?
OTTAWA & TORONTO I love you! Special pre sale right NOW. Password: WHITE All tour dates
Next time you encounter a two year old ask them to say “Green Goblin.” You can thank me later.
One advantage of a heated car seat is the opportunity to ask yourself, “Is that the seat or am I having a heart attack?”
Moments away from starting my own green chillies fan club.
There should be more awards for eating tacos.