A breakfast burrito almost makes waking up worth it.
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If you preorder my new book FOOD: A LOVE STORY before 8/4 you get 3 free prizes!
Confession: Yesterday I was in Montreal & didn’t eat poutine. In San Antonio tonight & didn’t eat the queso. I feel like I failed at life.
How about those losers that aren’t seeking approval/acknowledgement from absolute strangers on the internet at midnight?
INTERESTING FACT: Eating cut fruit provides less enjoyment than cutting fruit.
I just chose a cup of cut fruit over French Fries as a side for my room service entrée and my wife isn’t with me. I’ve never been so sad!
BOISE! Show added on sale soon. All tour dates here.
“Why is it so cold here?” - @jeanniegaffigan on the Equator.
Me: Do I look thinner?@jeanniegaffigan: Yes. Your hair.
When are they going to make eating bread an Olympic sport?
SLC 2nd Saturday show just added. On sale NOW!
Salt Lake City another show (Late Saturday) is going on sale tomorrow at 4pm. All tour dates here
No one has ever said, “I’m glad I ate those potato chips.”
.@jeanniegaffigan made kale, spinach and salad for dinner. I felt like I was eating in a hospital for rabbits.
Interesting fact: Pontius Pilate’s great grandson invented Pilates. #Fitness #Crucifixion
If you pre ordered FOOD: A LOVE STORY you are entitled to FREE PRIZES. Just enter your info before Aug 4
Just a reminder the only people who should wear pajamas are toddlers and mental patients.
My website is back. PREORDER = FREE PRIZES. Also you can get autographed & personalized copies of FOOD: A LOVE STORY
If you preorder FOOD: A LOVE STORY before Aug 4th you get FREE PRIZES. info here
Australia – On @Mornings9 this morning with my new buddies @DavidCampbell73 & @SoniaKruger talking about Sydney shows
I don’t mean to brag but I was just told I move like an 80 year old.
PREORDER = FREE PRIZES. If you preorder FOOD: A LOVE STORY you get free stuff!
Detroit, where should @tomshillue and I eat after our show in Meadowbrook?
Thanks Salt Lake! 2nd show added and on sale now
SALT LAKE CITY – Tickets for my show NOW available for purchase. Please RT in SLC. All Tour dates here
ORLANDO – Tickets for my show NOW available for purchase. All tour dates here.
Interesting Fact: Satan’s favorite Girl Scout cookie? Tagalong.
It’s beautiful out there tonight. Well, that’s what I heard. I’m not going to put shoes on and find out.
Good News: I’ve just been hired to play Thor’s mom!
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – special presale on my shows at the Sydney Opera House while supplies last. Public on sale Monday.
My three-year-old son just asked me, “Can you take me to the Vampire State Building?”
It’s not abuse if I make my kids carry me everywhere in one of those stretchers used to remove injured players during the World Cup, right?
State fairs are just a combination of a street fair, a zoo and a refugee camp. See you at Indiana State Fair on 8/17
Unless you have a Russian accent stop acting like you enjoy cavier. Nobody believes you.
Detroit, I’ll be performing at the lovely @MeadowBrookMF this Saturday. Tickets available here.
WISCONSIN – My August shows at @northstarcasino now on sale. All tour dates here.
How some people feel about golf I feel about doing nothing.
KANSAS CITY – I’m doing a special FOOD: A LOVE STORY book event & conversation. Limited tkts avail. Info and tkts here
Updating software counts as exercise, right?
Shows coming up in Detroit, Vancouver, SoCal, NorCal, SLC, Dallas, Austin, ATL, CHICAGO, BOSTON, LI, Orlando
We should just rename exercising earning cheeseburgers.
Salt Lake & Orlando - I’ll be performing in your fine city.
Had the following conversation with my 20 month old.Me: What is your favorite food?Patrick: Mice