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Good news: Only took me 10 minutes to figure out how to turn on the shower in my Dublin hotel. Bad news: I don’t know how to turn it off.
Why does every 2 year old boy look like he’s just been in a bar fight?
I think I’d move to Ireland just for the Irish beef stew.
70 year old Irish man upon seeing my two daughters playing: “Oh you brought your granddaughters to Ireland. Bless your heart.”
Do you think my one and two-year old think I want them to jab their feet into my side while I sleep?
Watch me eat donuts for 2 minutes http://youtu.be/njEvfYE1Ajc then preorder OBSESSEDhttp://tinyurl.com/m33bwd8
If I were murdered at home there would be atleast one Triscuit box in the crime scene photos.
How many wheels of brie is it socially acceptable to eat at a funeral?
Any advice on how to get that “Let it go” song out of my head? I’ve tried the garlic and ginger already.
Conversation with my 8 year old son.Son: Dad, you make more money but I’m better looking than you.Me: Most people are.
Spoiler Alert: Tonight on Game of Thrones Sensa Stark goes to Medevil Times and guess who sits next to her? Don Draper! OMGGGGGG
Had such a great time in the Twin Cities. My only regret is that I didn’t meet a single pair of twins. Oh, well. Dublin, see you Thursday!
Hey @Mattsbar, how many rolls of paper towel will I need when eat my Juicy Lucy later? And the one after that? I’ll just a get a case.
Heading to Dublin next week with the whole family. Please tell me all the things I’ll feel guilty about not doing while I’m there.
Interesting Fact: The only thing faster than Usan Bolt is life of an iPhone battery.
I have some kind of chest cold and it’s pretty much your fault.
I’m not lazy but I do get annoyed when I have to do things that involve getting out a chair.
Toronto - due to a TV commitment both Apr 26 show have been changed to Jun 7. I’m sorry for this unavoidable change. http://www.jimgaffigan.com/tour-dates
Business Idea: A contraption that shoots melatonin darts at children.
Ok, I think I’ve had enough of this people dying stuff. Let’s all stop doing that. Thanks.
So sad to hear about the passing of @JohnPinette. He was always so funny, so generous and so kind.
It’s always comforting to go through customs in any country and experience the same “Bob Cratchet” technology.
"How about a country where everyone looks like Macklemore?" - Pitch for Iceland
Growing up in Indiana watching @Letterman was probably the biggest influence over my career.
Buffalo & Western NY, tkts for my show at Seneca Allegany Casino now on sale. All dates here.
My four year didn’t ask for dessert every 4 minutes tonight. I’m pretty sure this means there’s going to be a hurricane or something.
Sweden, 2nd show added in Stockholm. On sale Monday! All tour dates here http://www.jimgaffigan.com/tour-dates
"How about a whole day dedicated to ‘Not!’?" - Pitch for April Fools
Please Vote for me by tweeting #AmericanComedyAwards AND @jimgaffigan OR Jim Gaffigan. Voting ends today! Thanks if you already voted!
"Do zombies have teeth?" -my 4 year old daughter at 7:43am
London & Reyka…Raykj…Iceland this weekend. http://www.jimgaffigan.com/tour-dates
Well, I’m going to bed, which means it’s time for some of my kids to wake up.
Don’t forget to not catch me on Dancing with the Stars!
A brownie is like an espresso of cake, right?
Whoever said “kids keep you young” was being sarcastic.